The Perfectionist
For those who have perfectionistic tendencies, you know the tension it can cause in nearly every aspect of your life, as you constantly strive for it and never succeed in becoming it. In this episode of Reflections of The Lighthouse, Dr. Brandon Bower and Paster Jordan Bradley discuss the grip that perfectionism can have on an individual and the impact it can have on the people around them.
Takeaways:
- The Perfectionist is performance oriented
- Perfectionism is an idol of the heart
- Perfectionists have a tendency to manipulate and control others
- Excellence and perfection are very different pursuits
Sign up for the next Mentorship class at The Lighthouse. Email Pastor Jordan.
Check out the new resource, 30 Days in James, by Dr. Brandon Bower.
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Links
Thriftstore (Instagram)
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Music
Raise You Up (30 Sec)
Diego Mendez
Transcript
Foreign.
Speaker B:You're listening to Reflections of the Lighthouse, a podcast sharing the hope of the gospel with those struggling with life altering addictions.
Speaker B:If you'd like more information about the lighthouse and the services we provide, Visit us@lhfw.org Now here's your host, Dr.
Speaker B:Brandon Bauer.
Speaker B:I'm so excited to be back with you.
Speaker B:I've got my friend Pastor Jordan Bradley with me and we're gonna.
Speaker A:How's it going?
Speaker B:We're gonna talk about something that I struggle with and I know that many of you do.
Speaker B:We're going to talk about perfectionism.
Speaker B:So, Jordan, do you know anyone who's a perfectionist?
Speaker A:I do.
Speaker A:I have someone very close to me.
Speaker B:It's me, right?
Speaker B:Oh, yeah, I remember.
Speaker B:So every year we pick a word for the lighthouse.
Speaker B:That, that kind of is our theme.
Speaker B:And a few years ago we picked the word excellence.
Speaker B:And one of my team members came up and said, this is just you trying to shove your perfectionism on everyone else.
Speaker B:And, well, I could see where that was, maybe thought that way.
Speaker B:I also think it's important to be excellent or do things in a.
Speaker B:In a way that is perfect, that represents our Savior so well, even.
Speaker A:Even Jesus says, be perfect as your father who is in.
Speaker A:He is perfect.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:That's also an impossible task.
Speaker A:Exactly.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:But I believe that we are to strive for excellence, strive for perfection, because it represents Jesus Christ in all that we do.
Speaker A:Exactly.
Speaker B:We have a lot of guys that come into our biblical recovery program and some of the things that they will say is, wow, this place is really nice, or you guys did a really good job keeping this up, or those things matter to me.
Speaker B:And it's so exciting when someone actually starts calling this place home because you know that they belong here.
Speaker B:And there's other programs in our town and I'm sure across the country that, you know, you walk in and there's holes in the wall and there's bed bugs and there's just dirty and it smells like urine.
Speaker B:And that is not showing the love of Christ to others.
Speaker B:On the other hand, you can get so perfectionist that you won't let kids play and you're angry that someone scuffs a wall and all of those things that you're also not reflecting the love of Jesus Christ.
Speaker B:So this is a fine balance and we wanted to work through some of that this week.
Speaker B:I think the number one thing we noticed, Jordan, is that perfectionists are often performance oriented.
Speaker B:Like they feel that they need to earn the love of God.
Speaker B:What's your thoughts on perfectionism with this twist.
Speaker A:Well, when we think of the love of God, the first thing that we need to understand is that it cannot be earned.
Speaker A:It is a given love.
Speaker A:It is something that God gives purely out of his grace.
Speaker A:And grace literally means undeserved favor.
Speaker A:The other part that we might misunderstand about perfectionism is just how deep sin goes in our hearts, because sin is pervasive in everything we do.
Speaker B:Yeah, Scripture's clear on that.
Speaker A:Yes, yes, it is.
Speaker A:So we can.
Speaker A:We can strive and strive and strive in our own strength.
Speaker A:And we will never be perfect.
Speaker A:And so we need to rest in the grace of God.
Speaker A:And that is also a major theme that we see throughout the Scriptures.
Speaker A:And I'm probably going to reference this passage later on, but In Matthew chapter 11, Jesus says, Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Speaker A:Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly at heart.
Speaker A:And you will find rest for your souls.
Speaker A:For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Speaker A:The perfectionist to me is someone that does not rest.
Speaker A:They find it difficult to rest.
Speaker A:The gospel of Jesus bids us to come to him and rest.
Speaker B:And I think that's the issue because they're trying to build their own self worth.
Speaker B:The world will call it self esteem or they're trying to earn love or feel secure or fit in.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:If I can be perfect, then mom will love me or dad will love me, or my spouse will love me more, or God will love me rather than God loves me for me.
Speaker B:And so much that he sent his son Jesus to exchange my sinful life with his perfection.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:God demonstrated his love in that.
Speaker A:He sent Jesus to die for sinners.
Speaker B:I think if we break down the heart issues behind perfectionism, it would be rooted in pride.
Speaker B:I think a lot of sin is rooted in pride.
Speaker B:But perfectionism can be an idol of the heart.
Speaker B:And just like all heart idols, all addictions, we need to address it in the same way.
Speaker B:1 John 1:9.
Speaker B:If we confess our sins, he's faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
Speaker B:The answer to perfectionism isn't being less perfectionist.
Speaker B:It's to confess, repent, and turn.
Speaker B:And then when God is more glorified in our life, perfectionism turns into excellence.
Speaker B:And excellence proclaims the glory of Christ to those around us.
Speaker A:That's right.
Speaker A:Jesus encountered a man.
Speaker A:It's called the rich young ruler or the rich young man.
Speaker A:Where this man asks Jesus in Matthew 19, verses 16.
Speaker A:And following, he asks Jesus like, I've kept all of the commandments since I was, since I was young.
Speaker A:What else do I need to gain eternal life?
Speaker A:And so there you see the perfectionist mentality, right?
Speaker A:It's like I have done all of these things since my youth.
Speaker A:And Jesus points out the idolatry.
Speaker A:And the idolatry might not be the, the perfectionist idolatry that we see, but he was like, all of these possessions that you have, give them up and sell them and come follow me.
Speaker A:And the young man didn't do it.
Speaker A:He left and was sorrowful because he had a great many possessions.
Speaker B:Doesn't sound like American Christianity, does it?
Speaker A:I mean, the young man sounds like an American Christian.
Speaker B:I'm wondering what God thinks of American Christianity.
Speaker B:And that is so a side trail, right?
Speaker B:But in our churches, we're more concerned about looks and shows than we are about the gospel and the souls of those that are there.
Speaker B:Now, I'm not jumbling all churches into that category, but one of the things that I love about working at the lighthouse, and we saw it last Friday, and it just really struck me that we have some odd people around here.
Speaker B:And I think it's okay to say that on a podcast, we attract odd and broken and different people.
Speaker B:And the sad thing is these folks aren't welcome at most local congregations, but God loves them so much.
Speaker B:And one of the things that I will brag on about the Lighthouse and the work that we do is we love broken people and we love hurting people, and we love odd and weird and interesting people.
Speaker B:And God continues to bring these people to us.
Speaker B:And it is just so amazing to see him work in their lives.
Speaker B:And sometimes in American Christianity, those folks aren't welcomed.
Speaker B:And that is just so sad.
Speaker A:It is, it is.
Speaker A:When Jesus was here, the.
Speaker A:The followers that he had were not the religious elite.
Speaker A:They were not the ones that looked like Christians.
Speaker A:The.
Speaker A:The followers that he had were those down and out people.
Speaker A:The, the social outcasts, if you would.
Speaker A:Scripture says, calls them tax collectors and sinners.
Speaker A:So a Christianity that doesn't bring those people in, it might be a Christianity that's straying.
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker B:Let's get back to perfectionism.
Speaker B:Some perfectionists.
Speaker B:The perfectionists are often seen as very angry, often negative, prone to addiction, having unrealistic expectations.
Speaker B:They're super focused on the details, not that, not the big picture.
Speaker B:They're critical.
Speaker B:And often they punish themselves and others for not living up to their perceived expectations.
Speaker A:I see this often in our program here, our addiction program, where the, the addict is trying to deal with the shame of not living up to their own standards.
Speaker A:And often their, their standards are even.
Speaker A:I, I think the term is called moving.
Speaker A:The goalposts like their, their standard keeps moving and so they're, they're never.
Speaker A:That they want to be.
Speaker A:And so an addict often turns to those things, to addiction, to, to mask or to relieve themselves of that, that shame.
Speaker A:There's a, there's another thing that we should consider and that is the, the, the punishing themselves and others.
Speaker A:And, and, and often this can, this can look like self harm, like cutting or, or other things like that or, or even to suicidal ideations or controlling.
Speaker B:Others through intimidation or fear or fighting, manipulation, sometimes even to the point of using guilt trips to, and blaming others for their own faults.
Speaker B:All of these things are rooted in sin.
Speaker B:And thus sinful perfectionism has a root that is bad fruit.
Speaker B:Where I would say not perfectionism, but excellence has a root in good fruit.
Speaker B:And I think that would be the difference.
Speaker B:And I think they can often be mistook for one another.
Speaker A:I think that's a really good way of, of measuring like what you're saying, the difference between the good perfectionism or the sinful perfectionism to seeing what's going on in your life.
Speaker A:If something is not leading to peaceful fruit like James chapter three says, then the root teaching or the root understanding the.
Speaker A:You're probably not more likely than not living how the Lord would want you to do that.
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker B:Now, how do you deal with a person who tends to be a perfectionist?
Speaker B:Well, I think that scripture is clear that rebuke is necessary.
Speaker B:Luke 17 talks about when your brother sins, rebuke him and if he repents, forgive him.
Speaker B:And do this often.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:There's other places where it talks about rebuke as being a sharp tongued response to deep sin.
Speaker B:And I believe it's meant to be a kind of a wake up call for people who are living the sinful lifestyle that just aren't even aware of it.
Speaker B:I remember being rebuked in my life multiple times.
Speaker B:I remember in counseling school I said something in answer to a question about a fellow classmate and my professor from the podium rebuked me.
Speaker B:He said, while that was a good illustration, how dare you.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:I think that any other way of saying that to me at the time would not have hit as hard as a rebuke in front of everyone.
Speaker B:So I definitely think that some perfectionists definitely need rebuke.
Speaker B:But sometimes rebuke will lead to an outward change, but not a heart change.
Speaker B:And we want to make sure that as we're dealing with people because we love people, because God loves people, we want to make sure that we're not just looking for outward change, but that we're looking for that heart change.
Speaker B:Because true heart change is real change.
Speaker A:The Galatians chapter six says, brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.
Speaker A:Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted, bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ.
Speaker A:That understanding of restoration is not just an outward behavioral modification.
Speaker A:It is diving deep into those, those idols of the heart, deep into the sin issues to, to find the root cause and then apply the gospel there.
Speaker B:Sure, it's showing love, it's setting boundaries and it's helping them find their security in the Father, not in their own self.
Speaker B:Perfectionism is a self selfish thing.
Speaker B:And you know, around here we do that through what we call biblical counseling.
Speaker B:And biblical counseling is a way to take God's word and apply it to every aspect of our life.
Speaker B:So there's, you know, just a quick explanation of biblical counseling.
Speaker B:You've got three different types of counseling.
Speaker B:You've got a secular approach, you've got an integrated approach which tries to take the secular approach and the Christian approach and meld them together.
Speaker B:And then you have the biblical counseling approach where you're taking God's word as the sole authority for life and godliness and you're directing people through God's word.
Speaker B:And that's what we're looking for when we're dealing with people with life altering issues like perfectionism.
Speaker B:They need to be in God's word, they need to hear God's truth and it needs to be applied to their heart issues.
Speaker B:That's something that secular counseling cannot do and often something that integrated counseling misses.
Speaker B:Because the, the focus isn't on the healing word of God, it's on external behavior modification.
Speaker A:That's right.
Speaker A:We want our, in biblical counseling, we want the person being counseled to be able to live a God glorifying life.
Speaker A:So often secular and integration counseling will lead to living a life that is best for the person or living like best for how the person sees rather than how God sees.
Speaker A:And so in biblical counseling, we take the word of God and apply it to the heart so that that person can live the way God intended them to live.
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker B:And just a shameless plug.
Speaker B:Once a month, we are starting a biblical counseling training program.
Speaker B:Here at the Lighthouse, we're calling it mentorship, where you're actually leading that class, Jordan.
Speaker B:And we're inviting those who are interested in learning more about biblical counseling to come to this class.
Speaker B:Right now.
Speaker B:I believe it's a six week.
Speaker B:Yeah, six week course.
Speaker A:Yeah, it's six week course on rotation.
Speaker A:At the end of these six weeks, we'll probably start it back up again.
Speaker A:Just to go through those six weeks.
Speaker A:Or it's six weeks, but it's once a month, correct?
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:So if someone was interested, how would they contact you to.
Speaker B:To join this class?
Speaker B:It's a free class.
Speaker B:We're not charging for it.
Speaker A:There's.
Speaker A:There's no charge.
Speaker A:You can email me at jbradleyhfw.org or you can call us here at the lighthouse.
Speaker B: -: Speaker A:And then you can press the extension for the addiction recovery program.
Speaker A:And you will reach me.
Speaker B:Perfect.
Speaker B:So I think that would be a great way for someone who's trying to help someone caught in the sins of perfectionism to learn how to deal with some of those things.
Speaker B:But it also deals with all of the root causes of all of sin in our life.
Speaker B:And that's why we love biblical counseling around here.
Speaker B:Well, as we're closing out our time, I just want to come back to the difference between perfectionism and excellence.
Speaker B:Because we had a couple come into our family thrift store the other day and they were just blown away at the organization that we have in the store.
Speaker B:We think it's the best thrift store in town.
Speaker B:Our community does as well.
Speaker B:They've given us the award of best thrift store in Fort Wayne two years in a row.
Speaker B:But these folks were so impressed that they came to a chapel service.
Speaker B:They wanted to know what's driving the excellence of this thing.
Speaker B:And they were drawn to the Lighthouse and they've been back to chapel a couple times.
Speaker B:And here's the really cool thing.
Speaker B:Because of the excellence and the hard work we put into things, we have people hearing about Jesus Christ and his gift for them and how much he loves them and how much he cares for them and how he died for their sins.
Speaker B:And had they walked into any other thrift store and experienced any other normal thrift store experience, they wouldn't be sitting in our Friday night chapel service.
Speaker B:They would not be hearing about the love of Jesus.
Speaker B:And it is just a small way of how excellence can draw people to Christ.
Speaker B:And we see that day in and day out around here, and it is exciting.
Speaker B:To be able to say, God loves you and we are going to show you through everything we do being excellent.
Speaker B:And it sets us apart as the place that's different.
Speaker B:And that is just a fantastic place to be.
Speaker A:That's right.
Speaker A:And that's one of the things that drew me here when I came was the was the excellence by which we do do everything.
Speaker B:I thought it was because of my great personality and good looks.
Speaker A:I don't know about that.
Speaker B: -: Speaker B:We love you, and we want you to overcome this sin in your life and strive for excellence in all that you do.
Speaker B:It.
