What Do I Do Now? A Guide for Those Who Love an Addict
In this episode Dr. Brandon Bower highlights the impact of the work done at The Lighthouse in 2024 and introduces listeners to a new resource to help those who love someone struggling with addiction.
Takeaways:
- The Lighthouse achieved an impressive 83% graduation rate in their six-month addiction program, significantly higher than the national average.
- The Lighthouse distributed over 51,000 pounds of food to families, sharing the Gospel with each family served.
- Dr. Brandon Bower emphasizes the importance of loving individuals struggling with addiction with the love of Jesus Christ.
- The new book What Do I Do Now? addresses common questions families have about supporting loved ones with addiction issues.
Links referenced in this episode:
Transcript
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Dr. Brandon Bauer:You're listening to Reflections of the Lighthouse, a podcast sharing the hope of the gospel with those struggling with life altering addictions.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:If you'd like more information about the Lighthouse and the services we provide, Visit us@lhfw.org Now here's your host, Dr.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Brandon Bauer.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Hey everyone.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Welcome back to Reflections of the Lighthouse.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:My name is Dr.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Brandon Bauer and I first want to start off by saying I'm sorry for the huge delay in podcasting.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:We had some changes around here.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Pastor Dwayne got promoted.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:We actually sent him off to pastor a church in the area and we filled his position and we had several other staff changes and no excuses, but we're back at it.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And I wanted to just say welcome back to our podcast.
Dr. Brandon Bauer: ted to sum up a little bit of: Dr. Brandon Bauer:That's important.
Dr. Brandon Bauer: We, we just launched into: Dr. Brandon Bauer:So I want, I want to tell you the most exciting news.
Dr. Brandon Bauer: in our six month program for: Dr. Brandon Bauer:Now think about that on a national level.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:The national graduation rate from Addiction Ministries or addiction homes is 12 to 18%.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:So we not only beat that, we blew that out of the water with an 83% graduation rate.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And then the graduation rate from our 30 day program was 71%.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And that tells me one thing, that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is changing lives here in Fort Wayne.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And I'm really excited about that.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:But when we talk about the other things the Lighthouse does, I just wanted to give you some summaries of that so you can rejoice with us.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:We, through our food bank here on East State Boulevard, we gave out over £51,000 of food to over 1,150 families.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And we're really excited about those numbers because every one of those families heard about Jesus as they were getting food from our food bank.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And 13 people in our food bank last year accepted Jesus as their savior.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And those are exciting things.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:We had 102 residents in our residential addiction program.
Dr. Brandon Bauer: d in that program we also had: Dr. Brandon Bauer:And we also reached out to 905 people through our prison writing campaign.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:So that's just a little bit of numbers of all that we're doing here at the lighthouse.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And first off, I want to say thank you for your support and your prayers.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:It is changing lives here.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:But, but I also just wanted to just celebrate with you because those are some really cool stats and people's lives are being changed and.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And when we think about all the work that goes into everything we do, it just makes it all worth it.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:The second thing I wanted to do in this podcast, which is going to take a little bit more time, is I wanted to introduce you to a new resource that we have here at the Lighthouse.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:It's actually a book written.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Written and published last year.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:It's called what Do I Do Now?
Dr. Brandon Bauer:It's a guide for those who love an addict.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Now, yes, I wrote the book and yes, I'm talking about a book that I wrote.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:But it's more than just self promotion in that it's really answering a question that we get asked all the time around here.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And the book started with just multiple phone calls from families that were saying, I have a loved one and I don't know how to.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:How to handle their addiction or what do I do if my grandson is struggling or my father.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:So what became a question that we consistently got started with?
Dr. Brandon Bauer:We started answering those via email or phone conversations, and then it turned into like a paper that we wrote.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:So we were giving people this photocopied paper, and then someone said, you guys should really make this a book.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And we thought that that was a really good idea.
Dr. Brandon Bauer: So we spent the majority of: Dr. Brandon Bauer:And we're going to put a link to the book in the Amazon in the show notes to the Amazon link, so that way you can purchase it.
Dr. Brandon Bauer: ng by our Community center at: Dr. Brandon Bauer:State Blvd.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:To pick one up.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:But the book starts with a question, and it is, how do I deal with someone who struggles with addiction?
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And it's really simple.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:If you think of addiction like you think of fishing, what do you do when you go fishing?
Dr. Brandon Bauer:You put bait on a hook, and the fish aren't going to bite unless there's some bait.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:You know, they see the shiny hook and they.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:They think, oh, we know what that was.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:But you put that big juicy worm on that hook and it tricks them.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And some people nibble and come back, and some people, you know, just bite the whole thing, hook, line and sinker, and they're hooked.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:But the analogy stands.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:You know, bait is what helps sink the hook.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And when we think about addiction and the hooks that are addiction, it can be any sorts of things.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Drugs, alcohol, pornography, gambling, you name it, we can be addicted to it as humans.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:But where do we know where to start to help?
Dr. Brandon Bauer:So I think Scripture is very clear that the number one thing that we need to do when we're dealing with someone who loves someone we love, that's struggling with addiction is just to continue to love them with the love of Jesus.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:I think any action that is not out of love is the wrong action.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Now, First Corinthians 13 talks about love, and specifically verses 4 through 7 says, Love suffers long and is kind.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Love does not parade itself.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:It's not puffed up.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:It bears all things, believes all things, and hopes all things.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And I really think that love is doing whatever we can, at whatever cost, to help another person to stop finding pleasures in this world and start finding pleasures in Christ.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:If you read anything from John Piper, he.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:He talks about those points a whole lot.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:But think about it.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:We have a loved one who's struggling, and we don't do whatever it takes.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Do we?
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Do we really.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Are we really showing love?
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And that's a question that the book goes on to answer.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:But, so, yes, number one, love them.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Number two, help them.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:By all means, help them.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Help them find recovery.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Help them find support.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Find them a biblical counselor.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Bring them to church.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Show them the love of Jesus.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Galatians 6:2 says, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, those of you who are spiritual, restore them with the spirit of gentleness, bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:So I think it's super important to help them.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:You can help them too much, and we'll talk about that in a little bit.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Step number three, we love them.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:We help them.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Sometimes it's important to separate from them.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Now, separation, while difficult, is important.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:We believe at the lighthouse that sin has consequences.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And sometimes consequences are things like separation.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Things like, you can't come to our house anymore.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:You're not welcome on our property.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:You know, we will not give you any more money.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:But all of that separation stuff needs to happen with love.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:I see too many families that are so hateful in their separation that they build caverns between them and those they love, and they can never speak again.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:So, again, love them.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Help them, separate them.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And then finally, the thing that we may need to do, we call it in the book, hurt them.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Now, I'm not talking about physically punching someone in the face, okay?
Dr. Brandon Bauer:But I'm talking about putting roadblocks in their path to stop them from doing the negative things.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:So, for example, I was working with a family in Columbia City whose boys were cooking meth.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:In mom's garage.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And she had done everything she could.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:She talked to them, she took him to counseling.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And one day she said, I love my son so much, I'm going to call the police on them.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And she did.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And her sons were arrested, and they served some time in jail.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And one of her sons recovered, and the other one ended up back in drugs and ended up losing his life as a result.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And to this day, she will say, the hardest thing that I ever had to do was to hurt them by calling the police.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:But I saved one of my sons.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And I think it's so important.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And we often don't want to hurt those we love, but if we really love them, we will do whatever it takes to stop them in their sin.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:So there's some wrong ways to do this, Specifically the word codependency.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:It's probably something you've heard, but codependency is an excessive emotional reliance on someone so loving the addict to receive love.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Or we had a gentleman who was drinking and destroying his life, and his mom kept giving him $20.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Every week she gave him $20, and he would run right down to the liquor store and buy liquor.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And she's like, I don't understand why he drinks.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And I'm like, stop giving him money.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And she's like, well, I could never do that.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:He's my baby.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And the codependency in that relationship kept his addiction going.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Philippians 2, 3, 4 says, Let nothing be done through selfish ambition.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And I think that codependency is definitely a selfish thing.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:We don't want to lose our loved ones, so we do whatever it takes to keep them around, which keeps feeding their addiction, helping them.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:I think, again, ties into to codependency sometimes.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:We had a family whose daughter was struggling with addiction early on in our ministry, and dad was a police officer.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:So the first time she got arrested, he got pushed under the rug.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And then the second time, and the third time, the sixth time she got arrested, the judge was like, this is ridiculous.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:You're going to jail for like, eight years.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And they couldn't understand why the judge was being so mean.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Well, realistically, the judge probably saved her life.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And the family was hurting the situation, even though they thought they were helping the situation.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And it caused a lot of pain for this family because she wasn't experiencing the consequences.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:She needs to feel.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:When we talk about separating from someone, I think the worst way to separate is in the middle of an argument.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:You know, this can break.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Break relationships.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:It can turn violent.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Now, I Also want to say, if someone's trying to leave a situation because their life is in danger.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:That's not what I'm talking about.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:We want to protect life and we want to protect the lives of everyone around.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:But leaving in the middle of an argument probably isn't the best way to go.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:I think setting boundaries is really important.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Saying things like, if this continues, you know, I'm moving out, I'm going to go live with my mom, I'm going to go get an apartment, I'm going to file for separation.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:I think all of those are fine.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:But.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:But I don't want someone to.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:To break relationships with their family because they leave in a bad way.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And again, I'm not talking about not leaving in a violent situation.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And last but not least, I think there's bad ways to hurt people.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:You know, we talked about putting.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Doing whatever we can to stop them from struggling, but when it comes to hurting people wrongly.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:I think of a lady in Chicago that my dad was helping.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:She would come to church every week and she would say, oh, pray for my husband.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:He's a drunk.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:He can't support the family.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:I mean, she would just gossip all up and down about this man.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Well, I remember one day he got sober and he started coming home and he started taking control of his family like he should have.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And this lady did not like it.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And she wanted nothing to do with him running the family because she was in charge, right?
Dr. Brandon Bauer:So this lady sat out to hurt him in any way possible by gossiping, by manipulating.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:She actually went out and bought liquor and put it in her fridge.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:So that way it was easily acceptable to him.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:I just think sometimes when we seek to help someone out of selfish manners like this, I think it becomes absolutely toxic.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Last but not least, I want to talk about God's way.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:What does God say about loving people?
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Well, like we said earlier, 1 Corinthians 13 is a passage that talks about love, and it doesn't clarify loving people that have addictions or not.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:It says, I'm going to love those who God puts in my path.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Love suffers long and is kind.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:It does not envy, it does not boast, it does not behave unruly, it does not seek its own, is not provoked.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:I think when we talk about what, what does it mean?
Dr. Brandon Bauer:What does God mean when he says love someone else?
Dr. Brandon Bauer:I think it really.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:It really God.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:God really is talking about enduring the trouble that he or her causes to win them for Christ.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Being kind when they're rude.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:But we're not.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:We're not talking about allowing abuse or allowing sin or covering up for the sin of others.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Scripture is clear that he who covers for the sins of others will not prosper.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:We're talking about caring for on a deeply basis and doing whatever it takes to love someone, helping them.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:From a biblical perspective, you know, Jesus Christ came to earth to love us.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:He showed us love and compassion and it was a genuine love and compassion to the point of giving his life.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:I think that it is important to love those around us to, to honor them as humans, to, to let your light shine before men so that they may see your Father in heaven and glorify him.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:I think whenever we can do that, I think it's super important separating from someone from a biblical perspective.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:You know, 1 Corinthians 5 talks about not keeping company with, you know, the sexually immoral, the idolater, which we would consider addiction, the drunkard.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Do not eat with them, do not keep company with them.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:I think that says a lot about separating from someone from a biblical perspective.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Just because we separate though, doesn't mean we don't love them and help them still.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Within reason, within boundaries.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And then finally, how do you hurt someone?
Dr. Brandon Bauer:From a biblical perspective, that doesn't make sense, does it?
Dr. Brandon Bauer:But I think first Peter 1:7 talks about being tested with fire.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And I think that's so important.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:We've had some of this in my family's life.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:I have a family member that I love deeply that is running far from God.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And we have separated from them.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:We actually pray for their misery because a miserable person can only turn to God for comfort.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And it is a hard thing to do.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:It's one of the hardest things we've ever done as a family is to pray for the misery of someone we love.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:But I think, you know, when God talks about being tested by fire, to his praise and his glory and his honor, I think when we talk about putting roadblocks to hurt someone, I think it's really important first off to check our hearts to make sure we're doing it out of love for them, not selfish ambition.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:But my dad, before he passed, he said this in one of his sermons.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:He said, if you ever get joy out of correcting someone, you're wrong.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:He said correcting someone should hurt as much as it hurts them.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:It is a soul searching, hard thing to do.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:But I think it is so important.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:Now there's much more in this little book.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:I would really recommend you picking it up.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:You know, give it as a gift to someone who's struggling with someone they love that has addiction.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:I think it would be great to have on your bookshelf in case, you know, Christmas or Thanksgiving comes around and you're faced with this unexpectedly.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:I think it's just a great little guide for how to deal with someone you love that struggles with addiction.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:So I wanted to talk about that in this podcast just to give you an overview of what the book says, but to also let you know about the work that the Lighthouse is doing.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:This was designed for the Lighthouse, for those that we serve.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And it, it has been, it has been very helpful to, to several families.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:We, we've given several copies of the books out and people are like, I wish I would have known this stuff sooner.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:So we just wanted to alert you guys to that.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:But I also wanted to let you know our second book is also in publication.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:It, it is right now at the Designer and it's going to be a 30 day journey through James, a devotional for someone who struggles with addiction.
Dr. Brandon Bauer: ve that published sometime in: Dr. Brandon Bauer:But our goal over the next couple years is to publish multiple books as a how to helpful guides to those who are struggling in this area.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:And we just want to know what you think.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:So if you pick up the book and, and you think it's fantastic, or if you think it's awful, let us know.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:But send us a private email if you think it's awful because we want to make sure that we can talk that through with you.
Dr. Brandon Bauer:So other than that, I'm really excited about being back on the air with you.
Dr. Brandon Bauer: the lighthouse relaunching in: Dr. Brandon Bauer:God bless and have a great.
